Candy in My Pants

HOLD THE PHONE!!!1!

2009-06-29T20:49:00.002-04:00

And I'm back. I'll post something when I.... come up with something.

Ew, sick, that chick on the next Intervention refuses to eat anything except through a feeding tube. Wow. That's disgusting, and sad. But mostly disgusting.

And, of course, Michael Jackson died. Everytime I think of it, I say to myself "You're Michael Fucking Jackson, you're not supposed to DIE!" I'm still really in disbelief. Gave me a good reason to break out the old "Don't Stop Til Ya Get Enough," though.

Bumbaclock.

2008-06-06T05:54:00.002-04:00

I would recommend that if you plan on taking a tedious college class that you don't excell at (i.e; BIOLOGY), don't take an accelerated summer term of it. They cram 16 weeks worth of molecular acronyms you will never use in your life into 8 weeks. Between this class, work, and going to the gym, I am drained. I had all the intentions to go to the gym today and bring my total to 4 times this week... but no. I did 3 hours of homework and said fuck it. I'm tired.

Right about now, I could use one of two things. A vacation, or an unhealthy addiction to pain killers. (What? They make me happy and carefree) Seeing as I don't have the access to either of these things, I suppose I'm just going to keep chugging along with what I'm doing.

Now that we've officially entered the mid-Atlantic season of HELL, I am inclined to hate Virginia even more. It's hot and bloody humid outside. It turns my hair into frizz and my skin into oil slick. It makes me feel dirty and gross. And it brings out all the fucking bugs that this awful place has to offer. An army of spiders is holding my patio hostage. This place is disgusting and I don't understand why anybody would live here on their own free will.

A few of my favorite things.

2008-05-28T00:45:00.006-04:00

1. Benefiber
Ok, I have tummy problems. And by problems, I mean every so often my stomach just says "Meh. Not feelin it," and decides not to digest anything for a few days. Then I'd end up feeling fat and slow, and wouldn't eat. This stuff fixed that issue right up.

2. Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea.
That broad is right up my alley. Cynical and hilarious.

3. Chocolate Chex
Addicting.

4. Dove Energy Glow lotion
Gives my pasty ass some color, without oompa loompa spots. Sorry, I just can't go au naturale. You know those people who have pale skin that's naturally creamy or has nice olive undertones? That's not me. I thank my German and Welsh ancestors and a red-haired dad for my translucent pink paleness.

5. The Black Keys and Metro Station
Two very different sounds, but both very pleasing to thine ears. [Black Keys are bluesy classic rock sounding; Metro Station is dancy pop sugar.]

Yep, all good stuff. I went on a self-gifting spree this week, for reasons unknown. I still haven't got my damned stimulus check, so it's surely not due to feeling monily endowed. I think I was just bored.

I ordered clearance clothes from Hollister (yes, I'm cheap when it comes to myself), a Callahan Auto Parts t-shirt (if you don't get it, you suck), and the latest Muse live CD/DVD (FREAKING ROCKS!).

So I'm basically getting one package in the mail per day, and that's something everyone loves receiving. "Oooh presents!" Bottom line is, I very rarely buy things for myself, so when I do it, I do it all at one time and basically make a holiday out of it. It makes me more humble.... like the way I get excited about the new loofah and tweezers I bought myself.

Last night I colored my hair MYSELF and it turned out fabulous, for the first time ever.

The thing I really went nuts on was ordering a whole bunch of home decor for the apartment. I love decorating, and don't know why I let our apartment go so naked for so long. I guess I was waiting until we got somewhere more permanent, and someplace we actually like. Then I realized, once we move somewhere more permenent that we actually like (Oregon), we will be poor college students, scraping by on top ramen and Pabst Blue Ribbon. So I might as well buy the decor now.

2008-05-08T06:57:00.008-04:00

Ugh.

2008-05-04T07:06:00.002-04:00

If you know me AT ALL, you know that I am an animal lover. I have far more compassion for animals than I could ever have for humans.

And I actually teared up when I saw the news story about that hurt horse in the Kentucky Derby. So sad, poor girl. I think it's pretty much an awful sport - they race the holy hell out of those horses, then immediately euthanize the animal when it gets an injury. I guess I don't really know how horses work.... but I know that if my cat broke its leg, I'd get a cast put on it and let it heal. Not take him out back too meet the Winchester. Not cool.

Of Grape and Fashion

2008-05-03T06:16:00.002-04:00

First off, two movies you should see (because they were hilarious):
1. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
2. Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay

Let me just say, the south has a lot of very interesting sights. None of them thusfar have been great... but odd nonetheless. I had never really experienced WalMart before joining the military and being sent to the south (WalMarts are few and far between in the Northwest. And sidenote: I MISS FRED MEYER.) I refer to a trip to the store as "white trash on parade." I'm not a fan of the place, but what can I say - we're living on military paychecks, and their prices are cheap as shit. BUT THIS ---- found this fabulous little number on my last trip:

No, I didn't buy it. What the fuck is grape drink? According to Dave Chappell, it consists of "water and purple." This is ghetto. This is the kind of wonderous products you cannot find in Oregon. I should've looked at the ingredients.

Today when I drove into my apartment complex parking lot, I saw an old man on a bicycle that looked just like Karl Laugerfeld. The foreign designer that always wears sunglasses and looks like a weathered purse. What are the odds?

Pop off.

2008-04-25T05:59:00.002-04:00

Ok, so this made my day yesterday:

As you may or may not know, I work the graveyard shift, so I'm up all night. I was standing on the porch smoking around 3:30am - it's normally stoic silence outside. Then a van pulled up and a woman got out to throw newspapers onto porches. She was a large black woman, and was shouting obscenities over her cell-phone while she was slinging papers. I was like damn, don't get in her way or she'll kill your ass. She came over to my apartments as I was putting my cigarette out and walking inside. She was still shouting at somebody over the phone, but when she saw me, she pulled the phone away, flashed the sweetest smile, and said "Good morning!" I said hi, then she kept walking and went back to shouting.

She just may be my new hero.

Not quite what I had hoped.

2008-04-21T23:49:00.002-04:00

Have you ever had a really close friend move away? You lose contact with eachother, and spend time wondering if you'll ever see them again, and if so, when and where. You spend hours searching for them.

And then, four years later after all your fruitless searching, you find them - On A&E's INTERVENTION.

Bollocks!

2008-04-20T03:46:00.004-04:00

Criminy, my posts (aside from the last one) are becoming so maudlin. This one, in theory, will be as well... but I'm going to strike it up a notch and make it a little less St. Elmo's Fire.

First off, light topic - I've been going to the gym more often. And by more often I mean I went three times this week, after not going in a month. I work out every day at home with the stability ball, but I felt like I needed some cardio. The worst part of going to the gym is building up the initiative to get out the door and drive to the gym. Once I'm there, I'm fine, I get to work on that eliptical, and I go home feeling accomplished. But this part pisses me off: When I start going to the gym frequently, I start eating like a starved horse. Which, I suppose is how it's supposed to be. But I seriously will eat 4 or 5 meals a day, and go at them like I haven't eaten in weeks. An entire plate will be inhaled in mere seconds. It's enough to make any female feel like they've taken one step forward and 4 plates back.

SECOND, I must be hitting that idealistic age in life where I feel like I should strike out and embark on life's adventures, like many before me in their VW busses on only a paycheck and a prayer. I can't really do that right now, though. If I took off tomorrow and woke up in San Francisco, my next stop would be making license plates in Leavenworth. For real though, I lead a boring life. My particular branch of the military is not thrilling. And on that note, I'm really beyond disillusioned with the military - we spend more time trying to NOT get in trouble by those appointed over us for whatever stupid reasons, than we do actually doing any real work. I digress; they're paying me, so I'll continue doing it for another fifteen (!!!) months.
I got sidetracked, sorry. About the boring life. This sounds like a crazy coming of age Lifetime special, but I REALLY REALLY want to experience the GOOD parts of the country. I'm tired of spending my days/nights doing one of two things: Sitting on the couch, surfing the internet, watching reruns of Will & Grace, OR, going out drinking. Bah. I want to fall asleep next to a bonfire on a beach in San Diego, then wake up and learn how to surf.

I want to go to Aspen and learn how to ski, then spend the evening next to a fireplace sipping cocoa.

I want to spend an extended period of time in New York City and take in all the sights until I'm so comfortable with the city that I no longer need a map.

I want to stay in a hotel or an apartment where everytime I look out the window and see the night skyline, it takes my breath away. I want to walk the streets of London and fall in love with the city.

I think I watch too much TV.

If muppets came to life.

2008-04-19T23:24:00.003-04:00

She scares me. (btw, that's Olivia Newton-John's batshit crazy daughter)

Let me be vague for a second.

2008-04-09T04:56:00.002-04:00

Let's take a brief trip back to 2001.

Unfortunately, Alex was in California and not around to enjoy quite possibly the most debaucherous summer on record. The teen girl squad consisting of B, J, and S were each dating one of the notorious Timber boys... Robbie still had the muffler-less pickup... he was also the only one with a license and a job, everybody lived with their parents still, and we were all (well most of us) still in high school. Life was easy, liquor was easy to get ahold of, and the Tillamook state forest beckoned our names.

As the summer came to a close, the drama started to stack up, and it seemed everybody around me became addicted to meth. Relationships were tore apart, people were getting hauled off to jail, and shit just absolutely hit the fan. I mean catfights and all kinds of unsavory horse shit.

Here's my point, kids. It was fun while it lasted, but LEAVE IT THERE. It's all a page in the memory books and that's where it should stay.

i can has delirium?

2008-04-01T02:58:00.002-04:00

Wednesday night I return to the 12 hour overnight shifts, so for the past 2 nights I've been staying up until 7am. I am miserably tired. I've had 3 ginormous espressos in the past 12 hours and I am still dragging ass. I'm getting too old for these kind of scheduling shenanigans.

worst. easter. ever.

2008-03-23T11:22:00.004-04:00

I feel like complete shit. I think I have the flu, and not only is it Easter, but Josh flew home to Arkenslaw last minute because his best friend got in a wicked motorcycle accident, so I have nobody to take care of me. I don't celebrate Easter for all the religious hooplah, but I've always enjoyed the bunnies and baskets and colored eggs. Not today. This is the worst Easter since '96 when I had the chickenpox.

It just wouldn't be a major holiday without me feeling like I've been ranover by a Mac truck. Tradition.

A sentimental sap timeout.

2008-03-18T14:27:00.004-04:00

Every so often, the homesick bug comes out to play. It never truly goes away, but it comes to a boil sometimes. It's part of joining the military, or taking a job someplace far from home - and if you have the ability to up and move away from everything and everybody you know, and not feel a thing - you're weird. And probably void of all human emotion. Maybe even a little dead on the inside.

I joined the military because after a nightmare of a breakup, it became blindingly apparent to me that I needed a boot in my ass in order to get me motivated and have some initiative. Otherwise, for serious, I would still be loafing off my mom right now. 23 years old, drifting from dumb job to pointless job, scraping by on low cashflow and blowing it on cigarettes and Boone's Farm (like I pointed out a couple days ago). No plan on staying in to retire, climbing the rank ladder, or being some kind of patriotic hero. Just the bare minimum 4 years, get some free school, and get the hell out.

Everybody has different intentions when they join, and this is my metaphor for them - check it:

Think of your life as a VHS tape or something to that effect. Some people leave home in hopes that they can completely erase the tape, pick up a new identity, and leave everything else behind. People like myself join, pause the tape, and anxiously await the moment in 4 years when they can push play on it and join their regularly scheduled program already in process. I haven't figured out where people fit in that want to fast-forward the tape. I'll come up with that later.

You are supposed to magically pick up the best of new friends at every location you hop to. Either I'm a picky bitch, or I've been spoiled with having the best friends in the world back at home, but ummm.... this process is nearly impossible for me. I like the company of said friends, but it's getting to the point where I sit sullenly in the background, and it is all too apparent to me that I just do not fit in with these people. And these people are most definitely NOT Alex, Vid, Jayson, Buckel, and the like. There's just no comparison. And I am left looking like a boring unsocial bitch because I wont dance around suggestively with chicks, or participate in conversations about clit piercings and vibrators. It's kind of depressing. I am the odd one out for.... well, not being odd. With the exceptions of Smith and Debi, I can honestly say that if I packed up and headed west tomorrow, everybody else would simply be a fond memory I would look back upon and smile, but never get around to calling. Smith and Debi feel like home. I know I am holding these people to way too high of standards, and I apologize. I am the square peg.

I don't feel sorry for myself. These next 16 months are just an interruption to my favorite show, and I'm anxious to hit play and get back to it.

Baby Face Thomas and her lack of work ethic

2008-03-14T21:18:00.004-04:00

Truth be told, the Air Force has helped me to transcend into the "adult world." Without it, I'd still be loafing off my mom and blowing all my money on cigarettes and Boone's Farm. But there is one major area that I have yet to grasp: the ability to put my job before myself. I mean, in a way, yes I have. I am in the military, of course. So I've given up some of my personal freedoms. But I cannot...CANNOT... happily spend an extra hour at work, or get called in on a day off without bitching.

So, at what age do you just give in and say, "Screw my life. Work comes first."?

All I know about being my age so far is that, according to Mark Hoppus, "Nobody likes you when you're 23," and the older I get, the more people ask "When are you gonna have kids?" And the obligatory, "You know, it's all downhill from here."

I don't feel 23. I don't feel old. My coworkers are constantly giving me shit about looking so young. Who's gonna argue with that? Please. Let's hope the good genes continue to do their youthful magic. But seriously, one of my coworkers stood up today and announced to the crew that "Stephanie's 19th birthday was Monday!" (My 23rd birthday was Monday)

I should apply for a job working for MSNBC's 'To Catch a Predator.' I would rock at that job.

Random thought of the day.

2008-03-13T12:07:00.002-04:00

There are 2 things I wont allow in my home: Irregularity and porn.

In that order.

Six bucks.

2008-03-12T19:07:00.004-04:00

I went to a well-known tax place today and had them done. And I didn't find out until it was all finished that it cost $254. Holy balls! Sort of defeats the whole purpose of the refunds, right? So, I'm getting about $1,100 back from Oregon, because my home state ROCKS. But get this - I owe the federal fuck you in the ass government $6. Yes, six dollars. Is it really worth the time? I sent the IRS my god damned check, but seriously... what is that whopping $6 going towards? A taco bell dinner for an IRS employee? New socks for dubya? 1.8 seconds with one of those NYC hookers?

I sailed through that boring appointment with the help of Vicodin. That's how you turn getting your taxes done into a magic carpet ride.

Please excuse the emperors.

2008-03-12T11:48:00.003-04:00

$5,500 an hour for a hooker? Jesus. She better have a gold plated vagina for that much dough. Politicians are really a sub-human form of life. And I am willing to bet that they could find an even more attractive, intelligent woman, that doesn't bang random guys every night, for FREE. Here's a hint: it's called your wife. Ass.

I had a lot of random things swirling through my head last night that I was going to write about, but I totally forgot them. And that sucks, because they were pretty amusing to me. Oh well, if I remember them, I'll post later.

Shabang.

2008-03-10T21:34:00.003-04:00

Wow, dude. I mean really, wow. Watching Intervention sometimes makes me feel pretty wretched. On the upside, it makes me thankful that I had a normal childhood. I was well-adjusted. I have struggled with panic disorder for the past 10 years or so, but I have no validation for that crap. I watch this show and it's the same story: people that have eating disorders, are cutters, drug addictions, etc. all had an awful upbringing. Ok, not all. But the vast majority. The usual suspects are products of being abused, molested, raised by alcoholics, neglected, OR the ever-exciting raised by teachers, preachers, or cops. I was no part of any of those things. So my disorder has been under control for the past 2 1/2 years, but I still have absolutely no reason in hell that it should've ever popped up to begin with. This is to be deemed the nature side of the nature vs. nurture debate - apparently my brain chemicals decided to check out on a Vaycay. And the Zoloft allows them to stay on vacation.

I have to go back to work tomorrow after having a whopping 13 days off. Being on convalescent leave has reminded me just how much I've always hated working. I am seriously starting to believe that I was put here to either 1. Be a free-roaming hippy who doesn't need the "man" in order to survive, or 2. Be the free-loading side of a Sugar Daddy relationship. Loaf off the land, if you will. I want to do what I want when I want, and if that means sitting at home drinking cocktails and watching Will & Grace reruns, then someday I will make that happen. I've never really cared about money, which is probably bad on me, but I am completely willing to get a job that I would actually ENJOY doing. And by golly, if I were surrounded by animals every day, I would be willing to do it. And do it for cheap.

On a much lighter and inhebriated note, my birthday party on Saturday ROCKED. I have to give mad props (did I just say props? That's the percocet talking.) to the hubby for setting up that fiesta. Keg, top shelf Tequila, and everybody (from Virginia) that I could ever wish to be there. Debi showed up by surprise and made me cry because I was so happy - didn't think she was going to be there. She spent all day driving down from Jersey to be there, and it meant a lot to me. I was beyond tore up but in a happy way. I participated in no debauchery but a few others did, and that's cool. I mean, not everybody can have a bottle rocket & roman candle fight inside their house. Or drink genuine Tennessee moonshine. I'm glad that everybody else got as intoxicated as I did. And I'm sorry that everybody else had wicked bad hangovers - because I sure didn't. Quite frankly, I was impressed. I hadn't had solid food in 2 weeks, but I did spend all day Saturday drinking water in mass quantities in preparation. Maybe those Boost drinks are a secret weapon against hangovers? Fucking great time, and I know that nobody that was there reads this, but I'm sending a huge thank you through the waves to all. The only thing that would've made it better would be having all my friends from Oregon there, but that's not probable and beggers can't be choosers. I am soooooo anxious to get back to my home and restart my life there with the people that mean the most to me. And I'm trying to do my best at not wasting these 4 years in the military - I want to get all that I can out of it so that I can go home with more than just a fume and a prayer. And a husband & a cat.

Fierce!

2008-03-06T10:40:00.003-05:00

I just want to say that I am SO glad Christian won Project Runway. I blame my husband for getting me into this ridiculous show last year. We're now 2 for 2 on picking the winners. Loved loved LOVED Jeffrey. And I thought Christian was adorably fabulous, and had a badass attitude. Totally dig his fashion sense.

I can has migraine?

2008-03-01T09:19:00.003-05:00

My head.... it just may explode.

I think this is what happens when you get cut off from caffeine for 3 days. And it feels bloody miserable.

Hospitals are tons of fun.

2008-02-29T14:31:00.003-05:00

I had surgery yesterday to remove one of the plates from my jaw. We had to be at the hospital at 5:45am, and from that point on, the morning was complete crap. Not that surgery is ever a joyous experience, but wow yesterday sucked.
I woke up with awful cramps (yes, those kind) and wasn't allowed to take anything for them, and just as I expected, the pain turned into vomiting in the pre-op room. And vomiting on an empty stomach is always a grand event. And by grand, I mean neon yellow foam and dry heaves.
The nurse for some reason unknown to me, could not find a vein in my elbow. I have NEVER had this problem before. I have veins that would make a heroin addict jealous. But no, this girl... she couldn't find one. And stuck me 4 times in the hand. That shit hurts like a bitch. The tube was on my bone, and every time they injected something into the IV, I could feel it. I whimpered. It hurt.

That was the worst of it, though. Right now I have a swollen cheek, I feel like I was ran over - every muscle in my body is tight and sore for some reason. I'm on a milkshake, pudding, mashed potatoes, and Boost diet, and a whole mess of painkillers. Today my drug of choice is Percoset. And honestly, my biggest complaint is my throat. The breathing tube they put down there must've tore it up because it hurts so bad, and I've been coughing up blood from the back of my throat. Tons of fun. And I am seriously fiending for a cigarette.

On a sidenote...

2008-02-23T10:56:00.003-05:00

I would sell my soul to live someplace like this:

With a view like this....

Sadly, even though I believe I was born to live someplace fabulous, my soul alone is not worth anywhere near enough to afford one of these.

His next logical step will be sweepstakes winner.

2008-02-23T10:08:00.004-05:00

You know those commercials they show about "Run your own business from home and with the help of a mentor, you could make up to $8,000 residual income a month!" They show people on the beach drinking MaiTais, being SUPER excited and smiley and BULLSHIT.

And I think, "What kind of dumbass actually falls for this shit??"
Ahh, yes. That kind would be my husband.

A conversation with Ma.

2008-02-19T13:55:00.000-05:00

Sweet Az Candey (1:39:35 PM): it's crappy music day!
Sweet Az Candey (1:39:46 PM): let's see my options
Sweet Az Candey (1:39:48 PM): tide is high
larzd99 (1:39:52 PM): Duran Duran??
larzd99 (1:39:54 PM): hehe
Sweet Az Candey (1:40:07 PM): lifehouse
Sweet Az Candey (1:40:10 PM): barf
Sweet Az Candey (1:40:21 PM): twistin the night away
larzd99 (1:40:27 PM): hey that's a good song
Sweet Az Candey (1:40:28 PM): rock the boat
larzd99 (1:40:32 PM): that is too!
Sweet Az Candey (1:40:37 PM): diamonds & pearls
Sweet Az Candey (1:40:44 PM): maniac
larzd99 (1:40:53 PM): ?? don't recognize that one. Maniac? ickkkkk
Sweet Az Candey (1:41:02 PM): diamonds & pearls is prince
larzd99 (1:41:08 PM): iiiiiccccckkkkk
Sweet Az Candey (1:41:09 PM): oh here's one they play on every vietnam era movie
Sweet Az Candey (1:41:17 PM): long cool woman in a black dress
larzd99 (1:41:30 PM): classic - THe Hollies - they rock
Sweet Az Candey (1:43:08 PM): yeah I left it there
Sweet Az Candey (1:43:14 PM): ok here's one of my fruit pet peeves...
Sweet Az Candey (1:43:28 PM): we got 3 beautiful bright oranges, they were super juicy when I cut them up
Sweet Az Candey (1:43:31 PM): and they taste like ASS
larzd99 (1:43:51 PM): nice. they probably came from Guatamala or something
Sweet Az Candey (1:43:55 PM): they're sunkist
Sweet Az Candey (1:43:59 PM): and they taste like stomach bile
Sweet Az Candey (1:44:05 PM): so we're gonna have to pick them out of the salad
larzd99 (1:44:05 PM): file a lawsuit
Sweet Az Candey (1:44:16 PM): wtf is this crap
larzd99 (1:44:20 PM): what other fruit is in there?
Sweet Az Candey (1:44:22 PM): anne murray??
Sweet Az Candey (1:44:24 PM): NO!
Sweet Az Candey (1:44:40 PM): pineapple, strawberries, and kiwis
Sweet Az Candey (1:44:58 PM): I thought I was gonna lose a finger cutting that pineapple
Sweet Az Candey (1:45:03 PM): who knew they were such a bitch to chop up
Sweet Az Candey (1:45:26 PM): amadeus amadeus
larzd99 (1:45:26 PM): ya, they're a "hard" fruit -
Sweet Az Candey (1:45:37 PM): it's muthalovin Falco
larzd99 (1:45:37 PM): ROCK ME AMADEUS
Sweet Az Candey (1:45:44 PM): Too bad that guy died
larzd99 (1:45:58 PM): well it wasn't like he had a bunch of # 1's left in him
Sweet Az Candey (1:46:05 PM): you never know
Sweet Az Candey (1:46:09 PM): those germans are tricky
larzd99 (1:46:15 PM): you know it sista
Sweet Az Candey (1:46:41 PM): 1986
Sweet Az Candey (1:46:44 PM): Twas a good year.
larzd99 (1:46:49 PM): yes, twas
Sweet Az Candey (1:46:56 PM): let's see what's next
Sweet Az Candey (1:47:03 PM): I'm so excited
larzd99 (1:47:10 PM): ahh, the college years
larzd99 (1:47:12 PM): good times
Sweet Az Candey (1:47:25 PM): This song has been worn the hell out by bat mitzvahs and infomercials
Sweet Az Candey (1:47:26 PM): next.
Sweet Az Candey (1:47:39 PM): creed SUCKS
larzd99 (1:47:46 PM): yup
larzd99 (1:47:48 PM): agreed
Sweet Az Candey (1:48:07 PM): love hangover
Sweet Az Candey (1:48:09 PM): ....?
larzd99 (1:48:16 PM): did u see that pic of Pricilla Presley on Dlisted?
Sweet Az Candey (1:48:23 PM): makes me wanna put on rollerskates and do blow in the bathroom
larzd99 (1:48:30 PM): hahahahahah
Sweet Az Candey (1:48:32 PM): yeah she looks like a wax figurine
larzd99 (1:48:46 PM): exactly!! FRICKIN SCARY BITCH
Sweet Az Candey (1:48:50 PM): magic carpet ride
larzd99 (1:49:06 PM): that's an oldie but a goodie
Sweet Az Candey (1:49:27 PM): the Crystal Method remixed the song (left the audio track in it)
Sweet Az Candey (1:49:31 PM): and it's awesome
larzd99 (1:49:43 PM): never heard of it
Sweet Az Candey (1:50:18 PM): Lite Hits
Sweet Az Candey (1:50:19 PM): hahaha
Sweet Az Candey (1:50:23 PM): gay gay gay.
Sweet Az Candey (1:50:27 PM): it's john secada
Sweet Az Candey (1:50:33 PM): it's like sitting in a waiting room
larzd99 (1:50:35 PM): hey I like some of that stuf
larzd99 (1:50:40 PM): not Secada tho
Sweet Az Candey (1:51:33 PM): wow I hit a real lull

larzd99 (1:51:37 PM): Gramma Mary wants me to go with her to see Celine Deon when she's in Portland in October
Sweet Az Candey (1:51:42 PM): EEW
larzd99 (1:51:54 PM): Iknow - I said I'd go, but only if she' paid for the ticket
Sweet Az Candey (1:51:56 PM): Hey Van Halen
larzd99 (1:52:02 PM): I wouldn't pay a plug nickel to see her
Sweet Az Candey (1:52:06 PM): Celine Dion is the queen of shitty elevator music
larzd99 (1:52:17 PM): yup - barfitty barf barf
Sweet Az Candey (1:52:38 PM): godsmack
larzd99 (1:52:53 PM): ehh
Sweet Az Candey (1:53:11 PM): Lamb of God
larzd99 (1:53:40 PM): what the hell is that?
Sweet Az Candey (1:54:33 PM): it's RARRRRRRRRRRRRr music

Red-headed stepchild.

2008-02-18T12:30:00.005-05:00

Ok, I know that us girls are notorious for spitting fire at chicks guys think are hot. Maybe it's jealousy, or maybe we're too nit-picky. Sometimes, under the exterior, we're secretly thinking to ourselves "ok, that girl really is gorgeous." But this one, not so much.

Whose glorious idea was this? I mean, this girl has been rode hard, put away wet, and then did a few rails of coke. I can honestly say that those pictures are not hot. A body covered in freckles is not hot. Ginormous, nasty, saggy fake boobies are not hot. They're really not. The hair is awful, the makeup and lighting is not forgiving, and it is a complete travesty that anybody would let this whore pose as Marilyn Monroe. She's like a used up piece of plywood - after you've been nailed so many times, you're left stripped, tattered, and absolutely worthless.

Viva la queso

2008-02-08T00:08:00.004-05:00

So, I got home from work at 3:15. Went to take a nap at 5. Didn't wake up until 10. I was completely useless today, and I'm ok with that.

When I woke up, I went to MSNBC to check the news. Because I'm an American and I like to pretend like I care. I see a headline that reads something about Bhutto murders, and in my groggy state, I misread it for "Burrito murders." I'm not even going to pretend like I know where Bhutto is. I'll be honest, I don't care where it is. But had it really said "Burrito murders," it would've been one of the most awesome headlines I've ever read.

Well, isn't this just a magic carpet ride?

2008-02-02T14:27:00.000-05:00

For some reason, about a month ago I started taking 50mg of Zoloft instead of my usual 25mg [originally I took it for anxiety, but now I take it because going off of it SUCKS]. So... since I upped the dose [still don't know why I did that], I have been having trouble distinguishing my dreams from reality. Yes, I know that makes it sound like I'm completely off my rocker, but work with me here. I don't have nightmares. I never used to even have dreams. And now I'm having these boring, typical-day dreams where the next day I bring something up to somebody and they don't know what I'm talking about because it never happened. Only in my sleep. WTF. For serious, what the fuck? Not only that, but now I'm turning wicked OCD. Like, weird OCD. As in, counting steps OCD. So uh, I think it's time to go back to the normal dosage because this just isn't gonna cut it.

Excuse me, I misplaced my motivation.

2008-01-28T10:14:00.000-05:00

I've been beyond bored this past week. I'm running low on inspiration right now, so I'm going to sit on the couch until it comes back and creativity bites me in the ass.

I'm staying entertained with my new Pilates ball, and random new artists I've stumbled upon:

:+: Simian Mobile Disco

:+: KillHannah

:+: Dangerous Muse

And I'm still butthurt that the Wu Tang concert sold out before I could get tickets [I told you I'm all over the board, musically speaking].

It snowed last week (What? In Virginia??), and I lucked out on a halfass work week while I had a cold. Other than that, I feel like a bag of bricks because I have wicked cramps (yeah, fuck off) so I'm going to continue being L-A-Z-Y for the entirety of today.

Ok, and I have to share this morsel because for some reason last night, it made me laugh so hard that I cried. I seriously got the giggles. I mean like the you-just-got-completely-retardedly-stoned-and-couldn't-stop giggles [I, of course, do not do drugs]. Husband and I are sitting on the couch watching the magnificent History channel. All is serene. Out of nowhere, the cat FLIES out of his litter box with such force that the lid goes sailing across the room. Ok I'm giggling again just typing this, it was one of those "You had to be there" things I bet... but god damn, that cat TORE through the living room at lightning speed and hid under the couch for a good 30 minutes. If only every shit could be that good.

Brilliant!

2008-01-10T19:28:00.000-05:00

I found this at Casual Slack and thought it was good times. Be sure to check out her CD cover because it's glorious.

Let’s Make a Band:
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random

The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3

The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.
(you might have to click new random quotes at the bottom)

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/

The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

You then take the pic and add your band name
and the album title to it, then post your pic.

And here is mine...

Douchebaggery.

2008-01-08T21:38:00.000-05:00

Only a week in, and I'm already sick of hearing about the current political debacle. I'm paying attention to both sides... like, holy hell, where did McCain spring out from all of a sudden? Though I'd rather see that angry old goat in office than Mike "I don't believe in evolution" Huckabee or Ovenmitt "My faith is a mystical peyote trip" Romney, I am after all a Democrat, and I'd rather see none of the aforementioned baffoons in office.

If we learned anything in the last two elections, it's that America's votes don't really even count (Hmm... who won the popular vote in 2000? Yeah, that's what I thought.). Unless your brother governs a state full of fucktards that don't know how to deal with the possibility of a hanging chad.

She was a gift from outer space.

2008-01-07T19:54:00.000-05:00

So, Nicole Kidman finally came clean with the fact that she's with child. Or Merchild. Or maybe even a cube of ice, she seems like kind of a cold bitch, void of all human emotion.

What really puzzles me is that she's expecting, Tom now has a kid with Katie Holmes (or Xenu... depends on who you ask), but when Nicole and Tom were together, they talked about how they were unable to have kids, no?

So there we have it: Suri really was dropped by the mothership.

We got hosed, Davey. We got hosed.

2008-01-06T15:13:00.000-05:00

I typed Political Humor in an image search and this is what I got.

Given the current presidential race situation, I can't help but feel bothered. Six months ago, I had money on the hopes of Al Gore making a triumphant comeback and saving the day.... but since that's not happening, I have to go another route. Being that I am a registered Democrat, I have roughly 10 months to decide between a bitchy woman, a shady fellow with a psuedo-terrorist sounding name, and Smiley McHappypants. If you look to the right, you can see that I've landed on Smiley. My apologies, but I just don't trust the other two. Unless they elected the old bag and put Slick Willy back in office by proxy. I love that saxy old perv.

I'll be damned if the doofuses of this country elect yet another Republican into office. Look at the two front-runners on that side of the race: If one of them gets elected, the country is either going to be run by the fucking 700 Club or by a bunch of stormin' Mormons [sidenote: ovenMitt looks more suited to sell used cars than to run a country. And WTF kind of name is Mitt.] You don't want that, people. Let me repeat myself, you DON'T want that.

Image source: BrainSpout

Horse's ass

2008-01-02T18:52:00.000-05:00

So there I was. Pumping gas in the freezing cold, wind blowing like a bitch. And there goes my gas, all over my boots and blowing through the air everywhere. Because I'm from Oregon, and we don't pump our own gas. We have highschool dropouts that do that shit for us. I've only been doing this "gas pumping" for about 2 years. When I showed up to my doctor's appointment after Turd Fergussoning my way through the gas station, the doctor actually asked me if I was a mechanic because I smelled so ripely of gasoline.

And my cat sounds like a god damned mariachi band running through the apartment. It really has been a grand day. For real, I laughed at myself and my cat made me laugh again. Love it.

Moo.

2008-01-01T20:35:00.000-05:00

I feel like lard. Ok, I know I'm technically far from fat. However, I can tell when I'm above my norm. How can I tell, you ask? Because I ate and drank my way through my holiday adventure in Oregon. And before I came back to Virginia, I told myself I'd live in the gym and eat nothing but soup until I deflated back to normal.
I've been back for a week and I've gone to the gym once. And I've ate leftover pizza the last two days. So really, I'm on track. I can literally feel those extra five or ten pounds melting away.

And yes, I was at work today... New Years day. Because I'm in the military and that's how we roll. And yeah, I posted on here while I was at work. Consider it your tax dollars hard at work. Same goes for the donkey.

Happy New Year, kids.

2008-01-01T12:35:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I don't know either.

Ducks won, it's gorgeous outside, and I didn't drink myself into oblivion last night - score!

This is total crap.

2007-12-31T15:54:00.000-05:00

Alright, buttface.

The [Oregon] Ducks are playing suprisingly well in the Sun Bowl right now, but holy snot these refs are garbage. Multiple flags on every play? Shove it!

Photo credit: Kim Richter

How the first day in hell went.

2007-12-30T19:37:00.000-05:00

1. Sat at work for 12 hours, bored, brain cells melting, ass expanding.

2. The obligatory cleaning of apartment I do every day for my enjoyment.

3. Had my own personal new-songs listening party. I do this pretty regularly, and I think I'm going to start posting my ratings on here. Just for poops and giggles.

Band of Horses / "Is There a Ghost": Good stuff. Not a vast range of lyrics going on, but I dig it. It's sort of calming, slightly haunting.

Partyshank / "Virgin": A more obnoxious form of MSI, only with added Nintendo sounds. Offhand, I'd say this shit is good in small doses. Their music sounds sort of like a toy store exploding, and the guys seem like the type that would piss in your beer when you leave the room.

Jackie Chain / "Blinded By The Light": Don't know why I stumbled over to this one. He's an Asian hillbilly rapper who ripped off Manford Mann, and that's all I have to say about that.

Lykke Li / "Little Bit": Snoozefest. Girl is from Sweden but sounds like Betty Boop. NEXT.

Simian Mobile Disco / "I Believe": It's my current MySpace song, so obviously I like this one. Their music sort of reminded me of a cross between Shiny Toy Guns and Ladytron. Electronic but not rave-y garbage.

Bat For Lashes / "What's A Girl To Do": I'm super impressed by this gal. She's got a cool voice and wicked lyrics, with all kinds of instruments. It's like Amy Winehouse meets Goldfrapp, only toned down to a Stevie Nicks level. That makes absolutely no sense. Just go listen.

I also listened to some LCD Soundsystem and Against Me! which were OK, but not as good as I expected. Magazines think these guys are fucking sliced bread, but whatever. Not bad, just not my thing - and I'd probably love Against Me! if they had a different lead singer. Something about his voice bugs me. On the other hand, the new Radiohead album is indeed as good as the critics say. So is the one by M.I.A., homegirl is nuts but I love it.

Also, last week I went and saw Sweeney Todd. A murder musical, tons of fake blood, great family fun. As for I Am Legend, grrrrr why'd they have to do the dog like that???

I'm off to fix myself a white Russian.

nobody move, nobody get hurt.

2007-12-30T08:58:00.000-05:00

So, I'm pretty impressed by this car security system my husband got me for Christmas.
Next time I'm at a skate rally and one of those fucking emo punks tries to liberate my U of O magnet off my car.... bitch is gonna pay.

And isn't this magical:

12 hour shifts for the next 6 days straight. Owch, dude.

It's tradition.

2007-12-29T12:23:00.000-05:00

Christmas wouldn't have been complete without me sitting alone in the dark crying.

This should be illegal.

2007-09-20T15:43:00.000-04:00

The more they show that commercial of giggly girls and cheesy boys singing Sublime's "Santaria," the more I want to throw a brick through the TV.