Shabang.

Wow, dude. I mean really, wow. Watching Intervention sometimes makes me feel pretty wretched. On the upside, it makes me thankful that I had a normal childhood. I was well-adjusted. I have struggled with panic disorder for the past 10 years or so, but I have no validation for that crap. I watch this show and it's the same story: people that have eating disorders, are cutters, drug addictions, etc. all had an awful upbringing. Ok, not all. But the vast majority. The usual suspects are products of being abused, molested, raised by alcoholics, neglected, OR the ever-exciting raised by teachers, preachers, or cops. I was no part of any of those things. So my disorder has been under control for the past 2 1/2 years, but I still have absolutely no reason in hell that it should've ever popped up to begin with. This is to be deemed the nature side of the nature vs. nurture debate - apparently my brain chemicals decided to check out on a Vaycay. And the Zoloft allows them to stay on vacation.

I have to go back to work tomorrow after having a whopping 13 days off. Being on convalescent leave has reminded me just how much I've always hated working. I am seriously starting to believe that I was put here to either 1. Be a free-roaming hippy who doesn't need the "man" in order to survive, or 2. Be the free-loading side of a Sugar Daddy relationship. Loaf off the land, if you will. I want to do what I want when I want, and if that means sitting at home drinking cocktails and watching Will & Grace reruns, then someday I will make that happen. I've never really cared about money, which is probably bad on me, but I am completely willing to get a job that I would actually ENJOY doing. And by golly, if I were surrounded by animals every day, I would be willing to do it. And do it for cheap.

On a much lighter and inhebriated note, my birthday party on Saturday ROCKED. I have to give mad props (did I just say props? That's the percocet talking.) to the hubby for setting up that fiesta. Keg, top shelf Tequila, and everybody (from Virginia) that I could ever wish to be there. Debi showed up by surprise and made me cry because I was so happy - didn't think she was going to be there. She spent all day driving down from Jersey to be there, and it meant a lot to me. I was beyond tore up but in a happy way. I participated in no debauchery but a few others did, and that's cool. I mean, not everybody can have a bottle rocket & roman candle fight inside their house. Or drink genuine Tennessee moonshine. I'm glad that everybody else got as intoxicated as I did. And I'm sorry that everybody else had wicked bad hangovers - because I sure didn't. Quite frankly, I was impressed. I hadn't had solid food in 2 weeks, but I did spend all day Saturday drinking water in mass quantities in preparation. Maybe those Boost drinks are a secret weapon against hangovers? Fucking great time, and I know that nobody that was there reads this, but I'm sending a huge thank you through the waves to all. The only thing that would've made it better would be having all my friends from Oregon there, but that's not probable and beggers can't be choosers. I am soooooo anxious to get back to my home and restart my life there with the people that mean the most to me. And I'm trying to do my best at not wasting these 4 years in the military - I want to get all that I can out of it so that I can go home with more than just a fume and a prayer. And a husband & a cat.